Thank you once more, Tonya, for what had to be another difficult piece of writing to confront. I too had a marriage I walked out on, after 13 years in our case. No hitting, no screaming. In fact, maybe it was the evasion of issues that doomed us. The last straw, or actually the last two straws, came when she just disappeared overnight, and never explained when she returned. Twice. Maybe something happened when she was gone. Or maybe not. It didn't matter to me any more. The uncertainty about where I stood was what finished me off, and gave me the courage (or craziness?) to just leave, at last. And I trucked off a load of guilt about it, because I met someone soon after I left, and that person rescued me from uncertainty. I trucked off guilt, probably deserved, because I left at an awful time, not dishes in the sink, but she had just been fired from her job and was already feeling flattened. I will never lose that feeling of having hurt her badly in order to save myself. Even now that she is working in a better place, and has remarried. Even a good divorce, one that is good for both parties, still hurts for around two years, I discovered. I felt it in my abdomen, like my guts had been ungently ripped from me. I remain the nexus of betrayal for her, I am sure. But I couldn't help it. All that helped was for us both to start over. Forgetting may not be possible.
But in your case there was no starting over for him. That has to hurt in a whole different way. So I should not pretend to compare. Forgive me my projecting on to you.
As you said before,happiness can be found once more. I hope it is enough to hold you in its palm, for a good long time. Blessings on you, and on Santo, and on your new love, and on J wherever he is, I suppose. We are all just humans.
You can project anything you'd like--that's the main thing I like about publishing these pieces. I find out how many other people have felt the same things and carried similar loads. We all have that voice inside that finally says "save yourself" whether it's a convenient moment or not. And then we do whatever we do in order to get out. Unfortunately, sometimes it is truly down to him/her or me. And given that no one else, given that same equation, will choose you, you have to choose to save yourself. Your wife was capable of starting over, even from a low point. She probably learned some painful lessons and hopefully counts herself stronger and wiser because of it. Everyone should be capable of that, and almost everyone is. I wish my story had been the same.
I keep going back to your opening sentence: I was driven back to Kansas. And I keep thinking WHO DROVE YOU THERE? That invisible part of the dream is significant, I think.
The more you reveal about him, the more brutal and manipulative he appears. He did indeed hit you ... many times ... with the weapon you understand the most. Words. What's more, your sense of humor, shown in your marvelous story about the moldy sludge in the fridge becoming a civilization, an Agrarian Revolution, is just too intelligent for him or your neighbors to understand. Jeff and I do that all the time between us. He'll say something absurd, I'll add to it, and back and forth, becoming more satirical. Few people grok that kind of humor. It's creative and brilliant. He was not worthy of you.
I do think words are more deadly, or at least a similar kind of deadly, especially over time. And I’m glad you liked the joke! Nerdy humor is the best.
Wow, I would never have thought such subtlety could couch a break-up. It's like a long dream sequence, such as you began with. I was riveted. So graceful, sinuous, controlled yet expansive.
I broke up a 10-year marriage, but it was over in a snap. He preferred a new woman, and that was that. I got the two kids. I let him have the used BMW in exchange for just about everything else. A brilliant move on my part. I don't think I ever cried.
An ABSOLUTELY brilliant move on your part. It’s always the right thing to end a wrong marriage. Sounds like you had clear vision. And thank you, Fran, for the kind and intuitive reading of my piece.
Tonya, an amazing piece. I found it opening up many memories of a previous marriage of my own. It wouldn't be correct to say I had the "same" thoughts, and yet much the same, as if in parallel; there was a kind of strange and slow whittling away of elements of my personality that I did not want to lose, and then finding myself in a place where, say, it's not that I wanted to be hit, but so similarly, I wanted to have reasons to leave. Like all good writing, I found myself at many moments thinking "Yes. That." Thank you for this.
That “yes. That” moment is always the number one goal when you’re writing a piece like this. I’m so pleased you were able to find yourself in it. Thank you, Steven
‘The other person in my life is me…’. - Thank you for these words, within this story, following threads that stretch both fore and aft… powerful, relatable, actionable. 🙏
Ahh, Tonya. Your writing bends my mind & softens my soul. Your unconditional honesty & gentle heart continue to inspire me. The "jewel box" of your mind is a beautiful neighborhood in which to reside. Thank you for this stunning piece.
Thank you once more, Tonya, for what had to be another difficult piece of writing to confront. I too had a marriage I walked out on, after 13 years in our case. No hitting, no screaming. In fact, maybe it was the evasion of issues that doomed us. The last straw, or actually the last two straws, came when she just disappeared overnight, and never explained when she returned. Twice. Maybe something happened when she was gone. Or maybe not. It didn't matter to me any more. The uncertainty about where I stood was what finished me off, and gave me the courage (or craziness?) to just leave, at last. And I trucked off a load of guilt about it, because I met someone soon after I left, and that person rescued me from uncertainty. I trucked off guilt, probably deserved, because I left at an awful time, not dishes in the sink, but she had just been fired from her job and was already feeling flattened. I will never lose that feeling of having hurt her badly in order to save myself. Even now that she is working in a better place, and has remarried. Even a good divorce, one that is good for both parties, still hurts for around two years, I discovered. I felt it in my abdomen, like my guts had been ungently ripped from me. I remain the nexus of betrayal for her, I am sure. But I couldn't help it. All that helped was for us both to start over. Forgetting may not be possible.
But in your case there was no starting over for him. That has to hurt in a whole different way. So I should not pretend to compare. Forgive me my projecting on to you.
As you said before,happiness can be found once more. I hope it is enough to hold you in its palm, for a good long time. Blessings on you, and on Santo, and on your new love, and on J wherever he is, I suppose. We are all just humans.
tim
You can project anything you'd like--that's the main thing I like about publishing these pieces. I find out how many other people have felt the same things and carried similar loads. We all have that voice inside that finally says "save yourself" whether it's a convenient moment or not. And then we do whatever we do in order to get out. Unfortunately, sometimes it is truly down to him/her or me. And given that no one else, given that same equation, will choose you, you have to choose to save yourself. Your wife was capable of starting over, even from a low point. She probably learned some painful lessons and hopefully counts herself stronger and wiser because of it. Everyone should be capable of that, and almost everyone is. I wish my story had been the same.
Always good to hear from you, Tim. Stay in touch.
Oh Tonya. I have no words. but oh so many feelings
I keep going back to your opening sentence: I was driven back to Kansas. And I keep thinking WHO DROVE YOU THERE? That invisible part of the dream is significant, I think.
Exactly! It's definitely significant, and something I've puzzled over. I wish my unconscious had given me something more to work with there.
The more you reveal about him, the more brutal and manipulative he appears. He did indeed hit you ... many times ... with the weapon you understand the most. Words. What's more, your sense of humor, shown in your marvelous story about the moldy sludge in the fridge becoming a civilization, an Agrarian Revolution, is just too intelligent for him or your neighbors to understand. Jeff and I do that all the time between us. He'll say something absurd, I'll add to it, and back and forth, becoming more satirical. Few people grok that kind of humor. It's creative and brilliant. He was not worthy of you.
I do think words are more deadly, or at least a similar kind of deadly, especially over time. And I’m glad you liked the joke! Nerdy humor is the best.
Wow, I would never have thought such subtlety could couch a break-up. It's like a long dream sequence, such as you began with. I was riveted. So graceful, sinuous, controlled yet expansive.
I broke up a 10-year marriage, but it was over in a snap. He preferred a new woman, and that was that. I got the two kids. I let him have the used BMW in exchange for just about everything else. A brilliant move on my part. I don't think I ever cried.
An ABSOLUTELY brilliant move on your part. It’s always the right thing to end a wrong marriage. Sounds like you had clear vision. And thank you, Fran, for the kind and intuitive reading of my piece.
Very eager for part 2...🥲
Tonya, an amazing piece. I found it opening up many memories of a previous marriage of my own. It wouldn't be correct to say I had the "same" thoughts, and yet much the same, as if in parallel; there was a kind of strange and slow whittling away of elements of my personality that I did not want to lose, and then finding myself in a place where, say, it's not that I wanted to be hit, but so similarly, I wanted to have reasons to leave. Like all good writing, I found myself at many moments thinking "Yes. That." Thank you for this.
That “yes. That” moment is always the number one goal when you’re writing a piece like this. I’m so pleased you were able to find yourself in it. Thank you, Steven
‘The other person in my life is me…’. - Thank you for these words, within this story, following threads that stretch both fore and aft… powerful, relatable, actionable. 🙏
Thank you so much, Erik.
Ahh, Tonya. Your writing bends my mind & softens my soul. Your unconditional honesty & gentle heart continue to inspire me. The "jewel box" of your mind is a beautiful neighborhood in which to reside. Thank you for this stunning piece.
Thank you, Ellen, for such a beautiful and thoughtful response ❤️