Please pardon my curiosity, but I have been imagining your flight for this chaos for years. How did you walk out that door. How long did it take you to pack your bags ... how many did you take. And who was waiting nearby to take you to safety. That whole process of breaking away, of jumping off that steep cliff hoping the wind would lift your parachute high and away. The courage it takes to keep the fear and panic at bay, to be organized and sane enough to escape while he's out of the way long enough to get it all done. Your courage is astounding, Tonya. And writing about all of this is vindication that others who side with him should all read. No one knows what goes on behind those bedroom doors; thus, no one has a right to judge. But judge they did. I hope your stories will reach them someday. Thank you, Tonya, for standing your ground and giving us perspective.
Since you asked --one carry-on and a computer bag, both packed in a hurry.
It was a truly life-upending moment, leaving Kansas. It was like standing in the middle of a hurricane, and then, when it was over, it was like the peace that falls after a hurricane. And, you're right. I wish more people would take that lesson to heart: you never know what's happening in another person's marriage. Thank you, Sue.
December 27, 2021. The impossible choice to leave a whole life in order to be alive, in the hopes that by so doing, the ones I love most would have better lives themselves.
"the wild, uncut field of the future" - so love that! your phrasing is so spot on accurate to the feeling, Tonya. what a brave, powerful and beautiful essay. so raw, precise and honest. cuts to the bone of emotion. your writing continues to amaze.
and, just as a personal aside, when I left it was shortly after inviting friends over for dinner. go figure!
I wish I could interview a bunch of different people about what exactly they were doing right before they left their marriages. You'd get such a fascinating range of memories-- everything is entirely normal until the moment it isn't. Inviting friends for dinner, for instance. As always, I'm so grateful for your thoughts and your response to the piece, Tabby. I'm so glad it resonated with you.
This is a magnificent piece, Tonya. So honest and moving.
I remember meeting you when you first came to your mom's, and I had very little idea you were going through so much. You handle yourself with grace and are an inspiration to others!
You were so kind to me, Kathryn, right off the bat. I will never forget it. It was such a lovely escape to sit and drink tea on your porch. Thank you a million times for your kindness.
I suppose I've been waiting for this piece to show up. I found my way to Juke after learning of the Jim's death, knowing that you were doing so much of the work over the years to keep CC Zephyr alive, and having appreciated your writing from my occasional visits with that rag. Kansas was a surprise. Until doing some research following the news, I had no idea the two of you had even moved from Monticello. Not that I should know or even care if you moved, but it does attest to the power of writing, of carrying an image that I had read at some point about a bucolic life of a couple in a conservative SE Utah town. I have a place in Bluff, and many times while driving through Monticello I thought how cool that there were writers on one of those roads doing the hard work. I'm so sorry about the suffering shared in this piece, somehow intuited the difficulties without knowing the details. Darkness does lift from those whose legs can move into and over fresh landscapes. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Andy. It's funny how many people assumed we lived in Utah all those years. I don't think it was ever a secret that we moved to Kansas, but given how Utah-centered the Z was, I can understand why that was an easy assumption to make. I'm grateful the writing resonated with you, both then and now. Glad you found Juke.
Such is the quality of your beautiful writing that - even though it is abundantly clear that you have achieved your "happy middle" - my heart was pounding with concern for you as you continued your walk towards the sunlight. Thank you for sharing this & thank God for your strength (& your mom) for easing you away from the Kansas abyss. ✌🏼❤️
I'm so grateful for my mom too. I had been wanting to write about the incredible power of having "a place to go" for a while, because it truly is a radical thing. Thanks so much for your kindness and your friendship, Ellen.
Tonya, writing from the heart is always the easiest and hardest for many of us. Just curious, what were your dreams and aspirations when you first committed to the relationship and when did you realize these dreams and aspirations would likely be unfulfilled?
I can definitely answer the first part of your question: the relationship was sold to me as an opportunity for a life of freedom: I could work from anywhere, travel wherever I wanted, dedicate myself to my writing. It took quite a while (maybe as long as a decade) for me to admit to myself that while, yes, we did travel a lot, my freedom only stretched as far as he would allow. I was free to do whatever he wanted to do, to have whatever he desired, and to write the things he preferred for me to write. Anything I wanted to do just for myself was considered selfish and hurtful. Any time I spent away from him was a theft. And to express any dissatisfaction or disappointment with the arrangement was a betrayal. It's exhausting to remember it all, honestly, but I also think it's important. I have to remember just how easy it was to slip into the trap.
Tonya, thanks for being so candid with such an intimate part of you. Psychological abuse, unlike other types, can take a longer time and be more difficult to recognize. I see a lot of positivity in your writing. Having Paul in your life is definitely a positive for you. Just be patient with yourself and things will work out. Look in the mirror and smile.
Please pardon my curiosity, but I have been imagining your flight for this chaos for years. How did you walk out that door. How long did it take you to pack your bags ... how many did you take. And who was waiting nearby to take you to safety. That whole process of breaking away, of jumping off that steep cliff hoping the wind would lift your parachute high and away. The courage it takes to keep the fear and panic at bay, to be organized and sane enough to escape while he's out of the way long enough to get it all done. Your courage is astounding, Tonya. And writing about all of this is vindication that others who side with him should all read. No one knows what goes on behind those bedroom doors; thus, no one has a right to judge. But judge they did. I hope your stories will reach them someday. Thank you, Tonya, for standing your ground and giving us perspective.
Since you asked --one carry-on and a computer bag, both packed in a hurry.
It was a truly life-upending moment, leaving Kansas. It was like standing in the middle of a hurricane, and then, when it was over, it was like the peace that falls after a hurricane. And, you're right. I wish more people would take that lesson to heart: you never know what's happening in another person's marriage. Thank you, Sue.
Six days after this story takes place, something very similar happened to me.
Wow, that's interesting. So yours would be right after Christmas of 2021? Maybe there was something in the air that December.
December 27, 2021. The impossible choice to leave a whole life in order to be alive, in the hopes that by so doing, the ones I love most would have better lives themselves.
"the wild, uncut field of the future" - so love that! your phrasing is so spot on accurate to the feeling, Tonya. what a brave, powerful and beautiful essay. so raw, precise and honest. cuts to the bone of emotion. your writing continues to amaze.
and, just as a personal aside, when I left it was shortly after inviting friends over for dinner. go figure!
I wish I could interview a bunch of different people about what exactly they were doing right before they left their marriages. You'd get such a fascinating range of memories-- everything is entirely normal until the moment it isn't. Inviting friends for dinner, for instance. As always, I'm so grateful for your thoughts and your response to the piece, Tabby. I'm so glad it resonated with you.
This is a magnificent piece, Tonya. So honest and moving.
I remember meeting you when you first came to your mom's, and I had very little idea you were going through so much. You handle yourself with grace and are an inspiration to others!
You were so kind to me, Kathryn, right off the bat. I will never forget it. It was such a lovely escape to sit and drink tea on your porch. Thank you a million times for your kindness.
You're my hero, Tonya.
"Hope was my problem." My God, Tonya, your writing is devastating. I don't know how you can bear to share it, but thank you.
Thanks, Fran. It's interesting how it doesn't feel painful to write about painful things. It feels like a release. I'm so glad it resonated with you.
I suppose I've been waiting for this piece to show up. I found my way to Juke after learning of the Jim's death, knowing that you were doing so much of the work over the years to keep CC Zephyr alive, and having appreciated your writing from my occasional visits with that rag. Kansas was a surprise. Until doing some research following the news, I had no idea the two of you had even moved from Monticello. Not that I should know or even care if you moved, but it does attest to the power of writing, of carrying an image that I had read at some point about a bucolic life of a couple in a conservative SE Utah town. I have a place in Bluff, and many times while driving through Monticello I thought how cool that there were writers on one of those roads doing the hard work. I'm so sorry about the suffering shared in this piece, somehow intuited the difficulties without knowing the details. Darkness does lift from those whose legs can move into and over fresh landscapes. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Andy. It's funny how many people assumed we lived in Utah all those years. I don't think it was ever a secret that we moved to Kansas, but given how Utah-centered the Z was, I can understand why that was an easy assumption to make. I'm grateful the writing resonated with you, both then and now. Glad you found Juke.
Such is the quality of your beautiful writing that - even though it is abundantly clear that you have achieved your "happy middle" - my heart was pounding with concern for you as you continued your walk towards the sunlight. Thank you for sharing this & thank God for your strength (& your mom) for easing you away from the Kansas abyss. ✌🏼❤️
I'm so grateful for my mom too. I had been wanting to write about the incredible power of having "a place to go" for a while, because it truly is a radical thing. Thanks so much for your kindness and your friendship, Ellen.
I read both parts of this story and appreciate the craft and the bravery. I hope the wild uncut field of your future is beautiful.
I hope the same for you! Thanks so much, Crow.
I believe you
Powerful and poignant. I liked this.
Thank you!
Tonya, writing from the heart is always the easiest and hardest for many of us. Just curious, what were your dreams and aspirations when you first committed to the relationship and when did you realize these dreams and aspirations would likely be unfulfilled?
I can definitely answer the first part of your question: the relationship was sold to me as an opportunity for a life of freedom: I could work from anywhere, travel wherever I wanted, dedicate myself to my writing. It took quite a while (maybe as long as a decade) for me to admit to myself that while, yes, we did travel a lot, my freedom only stretched as far as he would allow. I was free to do whatever he wanted to do, to have whatever he desired, and to write the things he preferred for me to write. Anything I wanted to do just for myself was considered selfish and hurtful. Any time I spent away from him was a theft. And to express any dissatisfaction or disappointment with the arrangement was a betrayal. It's exhausting to remember it all, honestly, but I also think it's important. I have to remember just how easy it was to slip into the trap.
Tonya, thanks for being so candid with such an intimate part of you. Psychological abuse, unlike other types, can take a longer time and be more difficult to recognize. I see a lot of positivity in your writing. Having Paul in your life is definitely a positive for you. Just be patient with yourself and things will work out. Look in the mirror and smile.
I’ve read this three times trying to get my head wrapped around it. I am grateful that you made it out of there. Michael.
Thanks, Michael. I am too.